some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I smell like Dick and happiness
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
