I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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