So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
