Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
