Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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