Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
