I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
