If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
