If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
