A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
