I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
