bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
