it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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