Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
