can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wanna go halves on a baby?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
