I'm so fucking centered right now
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
