I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
