i already hear my dad disowning me
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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