you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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