there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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