threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
