i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Semen is not good for contacts.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
