At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
