I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
