I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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