If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
