I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
