Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Its about making memories worth repressing
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
