Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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