Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
