why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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