Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
