My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
