EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
