I wish my penis had an off switch
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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