she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
