I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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