I'm jealous of your bromance
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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