you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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