WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
