I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
