Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
