At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
