Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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