This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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