never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
