the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
