Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
