STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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