Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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