Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
