My Higher Power is John Stamos
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
