News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
